I found me.

One year ago today, I was sitting at my desk staring at a faintly positive pregnancy test. Scared to death. Ready or not, she was coming. As the days ticked by my life turned upside down. Oh the things I gagged at, and threw up in.

I was petrified that I would lose who I was, what made me, me. Who was I really? I didn't even know.

In Emery, I found myself. In Emery I found who I want to be. I know who I am. I am her Mom. I was born to be her Mom. I was put on this earth, to love that baby girl.

I have never felt love, like I feel for her.

Who would have thought...

That I would reach a point in my life where I would concerned about eating habits of someone other than myself. How much and when. What kind, and where it came from. This bottle verses that one. I am now consumed with concern about the length of time between bowel movements. Not mine, hers. I am concerned about the color, is it normal, is it not? I spend anxious hours thinking about why she is crying. I spend obscene amounts of time googling things like "acid reflux in babies" and "colic". I worry that I created a high maintenance baby that we can never put down and will have to constantly entertain, and that she will never sleep more than four hours in a row. I worry that she will scream the entire day when I go back to work creating a situation where no one will want to babysit her, and that she will never take a bottle, thus being hungry ALL DAY.

I have never been a person who had anxiety. I guess with the baby, came the worry. Boy, is she worth it. She is blissful. She is timelessly beautiful. I want to forever remember the sound of her cooing, and the sound of her sneezes. I love how she sneezes multiple times in a row. Just like me. At least something she is does is like me... I have admitted defeat... She looks exactly like her dad.

I worry, there for I am a Mom.

All is quiet on the western front...

It really is. For the moment. Quiet. Which unfortunitly in our little house is rare these days. Our little lady bug has quite the set of lungs, and her daddy's temper. (It has to be her dad's, as Lord knows I am just to dang sweet for a temper, HA!) We are praying that this is a phase, but our patience is tested every day. Thankfully we are so smitten with this little creature, all we want to do is help her when she has meltdowns. Everytime she eats. Seriously. Everytime.  I like to think of it as she is just very particular. She doesn't want a bottle, she wants me. She doesn't want to be held that way, she wants to be held this way. She is too warm, too cold maybe, heck she may just not like the socks I put on her. Or the dorky head band (which my brother kindly asked me to remove from her head, as I was making his niece look ridiculous. If she was going to wear a head band he said, at least put some feathers in it and make her look like Tiger Lily)

I am choosing to enjoy this moment of peace, while my Lady is resting quietly in her swing. (THANK GOD for the swing! Oh, and binkies too... I will pay for braces later) I am enjoying my decaf coffee with lactose free creamer, just incase the caffine, or lactose could be what is bothering her... I doubt it... but worth a try. (I am accepting unsolicited advise, should you have any to share. Really, we will take all the help that we can get.)

I am ever so grateful for my little Lady, and stare at her in wonder everyday. Even when she is screaming. I promise.



And now some pictures for your viewing pleasure!

This is her giraffe friend... Lord help us when the batteries die





Exhibit A: Meltdown

And so, we had a baby.

I just re-read my last post and remembered very clearly how scared I was on that Saturday. I remember the tears, and how I held Jilli (my yorkie for those of you who don't know who she is) so very tight as I set her down outside for what was our last "Jilli and Mama" moment before the baby took over my heart. I remembered how I asked Corey to stop and buy me and ice cream cone trying to stall the arrival at the hospital. He did, it was vanilla. It was good. But we still had to go the hospital anyway.

Today I cry not from fear of the unknown, but because my heart is so full that it can not contain all that I feel for this miracle that Corey and I created. I am a mama. I write this blog to share, because I am a big mouth and think all who can read should know what goes on in my life, but also because I want to remember things. I want to always remember being told I was at 10 centimeters and the look on the nurses face, because I wasn't supposed to be in labor yet, let alone, have dilated that fast. I want to remember the sound of Josie's voice when I called to tell her Emery was coming, and to hurry. Her hair was wet, "don't wait for me, but I am coming" she said. She made it, with wet hair. She hurried, because she loves me. I want to remember the fear I felt sitting there, afraid to push because the crazy lady in the hall way was screaming bloody murder. "Is that was labor is going to feel like???" (It didn't, that lady was nuts, and didn't have an epidural, HA!) I want to remember how the two hands felt gripping mine, and how I knew to squeeze harder on the right (Corey's hand) because I didn't want to break Josie's fingers. I want to remember her leaving my body and entering this world, and how it felt like she took all that I had inside of me with her. She took all my hopes and prayers for her the moment she was born. They slid right out with her amazing little body.

I will never forget the look on Corey's face the moment he became a daddy, or the moment my Mom became a Grandma. They truly were the most amazing moments of my life. Nothing has ever compared to how amazing that day was. It was blissful. Time stood still around our room that day. The day, we became a family.


And now, to share some pictures of our journey to parenthood.

Welcome to the world!

The moment I became a mama

Proud Papa

The Miller Family

Swingin'

Emery Rose

today is our day...

I remember when I was little, our family was going to Disney Land and my dad and I were going up the escalator at the airport, and I told him that my stomach felt funny. It didn't really hurt, it just felt like there were things flopping around inside, because I was so excited. He told me I had butterflies in my stomach. I laughed and said that they felt more like eagles. Ha! Today I feel like I have pterodactyls in my stomach. Big, like wedding day big.

How does one even begin to describe what if feels to know that in 39 minutes I will be leaving my house and when I return I will be a mom. We will no longer be two of us, we will be a family. Not just the kind of family that a kid less couple with a herd of dogs is on their Christmas cards, but a real family. The nursery is ready and waiting, the car seat is installed and level, my bags are packed - complete with gummy worms for Corey and yet, my head has not wrapped around the whole concept of this Giant Life Change". I can honestly say I am very excited, which for those who know me well, understand that being excited for me over this is big. Emery is wanted, so very much, but being the selfish creature I am, I am also so very scared that I will lose what makes me, well, me.

I can't wait to see who she looks like, and if she has hair. I can't wait to see Corey holding this baby girl he has waited so long for. I can't wait to know that she is healthy. So, with that, I am taking a deep breath, and I am jumping in. I am a good swimmer, and worse case scenario I know how to back float. Ready or not, here she comes.

Trying to catch up...

I am a terrible blogger... I know... I know... I do strive to be better as I so enjoy reading the few blogs I follow and get impatient when the ones I read haven't posted anything new! Ha! How is that for hypocritical!
So, today I am blogging, as I am home sick with a sore throat that won't go away... and a pelvis that thanks to my unborn child feels like it is being crushed to the point that I can't actually walk remotely normal.... ahhh the joys...

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 36 weeks 6 days!!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained : 23 lbs

Maternity Clothes: I wear maternity jeans and mostly just larger sized tops... however I am running out of clothing that fits!!

Gender: It's a girl! Emery Rose!

Movement: I seriously think this girl is all elbows!!

Sleep: "Sleep" what is that??? It is so hard to sleep now... I can not find a comfortable position :-(

What I miss: I miss jeans that button, shoes that are not flip flops, diving off the dock, and terrible I know... beer

Cravings: Nothing really anything strange, just normal foods...

Symptoms: Heartburn, bleck!!! Not fun.

one of my maternity pic's from the fabulous
Photography by Lindsey

ALSO!!! The first of the four little girls in my great circle of friends has arrived!! Ladies and Gentleman... Ms. Harper Rae!

born July 3rd, 2011 8.3lbs

All the rest of us pregnant mama's were counting on Lindsey to get the baby train rolling, and she did, right on time with the gorgeous Ms. Harper. So excited to meet the rest of the little peanuts!!

That is all for now! I will try to be more frequent! I promise!!!

It's a ........

Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been a very good blogger, but I am trying, and thus here is our latest announcement! We are having a girl! We are so very excited!! Here is a little sneak peak at her nursery, and yes, her name :-)

Corey did a fabulous job on her nursery! I am so in love with how it turned out! Her crib quilt is in the works thanks to some fabulous seamstresses. Can't wait to see it!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 22 weeks, 6 days

Size of baby: rumor has it, she is the length of a carrot!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained .5 lbs (which is only because I had the black plague of death, I sure the weight will return, have no fear)

Maternity Clothes: I wear maternity jeans and pants, however they slip down which is annoying...

Gender: It's a girl! Emery Rose!

Movement: I think I may be carrying a gymnast, holy cannoli can this girl flip!

Sleep: So heavy right now, but seriously odd dreams are a result from my heavy sleep

What I miss: I know this is terrible, but I miss beer. Not that I am big drinker, but I just want a Corona.

Cravings: Nothing really yet, during my first trimester I craved potatoes?? odd I know!

Symptoms: Heartburn, bleck!!! Not fun. 

 

 

Right now we are in the middle of our latest remodeling project. The new flooring comes tomorrow, so excited for that! Darrow's Carpet is installing it, they are so wonderful to work with and had an awesome selection! Corey is in the midst of painting all of the doors, and trim, YUCK! He was so funny, when he started painting he actually said, "you know, I kind of enjoy painting". That was two weeks ago. He now hates it. However, who can blame him. Well my friends, this is where I leave you. I will post pictures of our fabulous flooring once it is done! Ta Ta for now!

I have been absent... now I have returned.

Greetings! I am returning from a hiatus. Well, not really a hiatus, just a lapse in typing. Either way, here I am. Most of you already know, but I am "with child". Yikes, that sounds seriously scary. However most of the terms that refer to a woman being pregnant are on the the list of words that I don't like, and that I hate hearing. For instance, I HATE: Preggo, Preggers, and PG. YUCK. Yes, I am pregnant. Excited, scared to death, and dying with anticipation to find out whether my little shrimp is a Prince or a Princess... However scared I may be, I am getting more excited by the day. This truly is the most surreal experience of my life. I can't believe this stage of life is here!

I know ultrasound photos are only exciting to those who are pregnant, and those who have had children. Either way, here is my little shrimps first photo.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 15 weeks

Size of baby: the baby is about the size of a lemon!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 2.5lbs

Maternity Clothes: I wear maternity jeans and pants, however they slip down which is annoying...

Gender: We get to find out in 4 weeks!!

Movement: Nothing yet...

Sleep: ehhh, I sleep ok... I have been having this odd sciatic nerve pain in my legs, not digging that...

What I miss: I know this is terrible, but I miss beer. Not that I am big drinker, but I just want a Corona.

Cravings: Nothing really yet, during my first trimester I craved potatoes?? odd I know!

Symptoms: Heartburn, bleck!!! Not fun. Also headaches that last 1+ days...

Ok, enough baby stuff :-) I had an odd thought, so I wanted to throw it out there. My senses are superman like lately, so naturally my sense of smell is supersonic. Most of this time what I smell makes me gag (milk, raw meat, etc....) However, yesterday I washed my face with Clean and Clear cream cleanser. While my eyes were closed I was instantly transported back to middle school. It is truly strange how a smell can trigger a memory so strong it is almost like you are there.

That is all my lovelies. Thank you for bearing with my absence. I will try to be more frequent!